As a young child, I was silenced. Anything that could cause my narcissistic mother to feel bad would invoke a psychotic shriek fest and physical assault, which was enough to traumatize anybody into silence.
I became that shy quiet kid that would play quietly with her dolls and try not to make mommy angry. I was that kid that always tried to make mommy and others feel better. She liked that.
That’s how I gained the status of being her “best friend”. That was, until I started being not so silent and pointing things out. She didn’t like that.
I still silence myself though. I silence myself so others will love me. I feel if I express my “negative” emotions, or express my distaste in their actions, that they will not love me anymore and will leave me. My mom taught me that. Every time I get angry and my husband reacts I accuse him of not loving me.
There are the times when I’ve silenced myself one time too many. When I’ve stuffed my insides to capacity and everything comes bursting out like Jack being released from the box.
Those times are bad. Sometimes, I feel as though I am watching myself from out of body, but I can’t stop myself. I’m triggered, and a part of me knows it, but I’m unable to stop it. I know I sound just like her, yet I can’t stop. I need to stop. I hate that I act like her at those times. It’s fucking disturbing.
I suppose being aware is a step in the right direction, but ffs. I just want to feel better. I want to feel like I’m actually getting somewhere. I’ve been doing so well, then I’m triggered and it feels like I take a huge step back.
I’ve been silent on my YouTube channel and here for some time now. I ordered some books that deal with growing up with a narcissistic mother and have gotten to the part where I need to journal and process things. I put the books down and haven’t picked them back up. I’ve been dissociating and avoiding. My bad.
Time to break the silence.