This video was made on May 27th, 2017.
I feel like I am stuck in a freeze state sometimes. That is my main response to trauma. I tend to freeze and dissociate by distracting myself or zoning out. When I’m feeling especially triggered I tend to be drawn to my bed and want to lay down and stay there. I am wondering if this is an indication of how early in my childhood the initial trauma occurred. I’d love to know your thoughts.
I will follow this video up with research on this topic and will post a further video on my findings.
I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.
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As a young child, I was silenced. Anything that could cause my narcissistic mother to feel bad would invoke a psychotic shriek fest and physical assault, which was enough to traumatize anybody into silence.
I became that shy quiet kid that would play quietly with her dolls and try not to make mommy angry. I was that kid that always tried to make mommy and others feel better. She liked that.
That’s how I gained the status of being her “best friend”. That was, until I started being not so silent and pointing things out. She didn’t like that.
I still silence myself though. I silence myself so others will love me. I feel if I express my “negative” emotions, or express my distaste in their actions, that they will not love me anymore and will leave me. My mom taught me that. Every time I get angry and my husband reacts I accuse him of not loving me.
There are the times when I’ve silenced myself one time too many. When I’ve stuffed my insides to capacity and everything comes bursting out like Jack being released from the box.
Those times are bad. Sometimes, I feel as though I am watching myself from out of body, but I can’t stop myself. I’m triggered, and a part of me knows it, but I’m unable to stop it. I know I sound just like her, yet I can’t stop. I need to stop. I hate that I act like her at those times. It’s fucking disturbing.
I suppose being aware is a step in the right direction, but ffs. I just want to feel better. I want to feel like I’m actually getting somewhere. I’ve been doing so well, then I’m triggered and it feels like I take a huge step back.
I’ve been silent on my YouTube channel and here for some time now. I ordered some books that deal with growing up with a narcissistic mother and have gotten to the part where I need to journal and process things. I put the books down and haven’t picked them back up. I’ve been dissociating and avoiding. My bad.
Time to break the silence.
Growing up, we were close, both in age, and emotionally. We have always been mistaken as twins, and still to this day somebody will call one of us by the other’s name.
I noticed things changing when she became a teenager and was drinking a lot and getting into trouble. Contrary to what you hear about scapegoats being the truth tellers and empaths, and the one with all the good qualities that the narcissist wishes they had, she actually did do bad things. It wasn’t all just lies of the narcissistic mother and the golden child sister.
When I was 14 she took me to a party where she got drunk and proceeded to make out with guys all over the place. I had a couple of beers, felt sick, went outside to puke and some older boy/man tried to grab me and kiss me. She was supposed to be watching out for me. She laughed when I told her what happened.
She has slept with at least 3 of my boyfriends, and was talking on the phone at night to a man I was living with and neither of them told me about it. When I found out, I blamed her. I now know that this man was a narcissist and was probably using both of us. That doesn’t let her off the hook though.
I know for a fact that she slept with my boyfriend when I was 19 years old, because I caught them in bed together. She tries now to say it never happened. Nice try. Liar!
Just because somebody was a scapegoat doesn’t automatically make them a good person. I feel bad for her because I now understand what happened to her, but for her to lie and not take responsibility, to this day, for what she did to me is unacceptable.
I was not a golden child. I may have thought that I was a golden child, because there was no doubt that she was the scapegoat, but I think the case may be that I was actually a real good ass kisser so that I wouldn’t get abused. I happen to think that was smart on my part at a time when I couldn’t have gone no contact, and would only endure more abuse if I didn’t do that to protect myself.
I will never understand the child that is getting abused and will continue to do things to make life even more difficult for themselves. That was my scapegoat sister.
We were at a family gathering at my grandparents home a few years ago, and I was in the kitchen being a good lost child, doing the dishes, staying in the background. She comes in and starts telling me I’m being an ass kisser. I told her to go and fuck herself.
She has always been loud, obnoxious, and I believe she is a borderline. She will yell, scream, swear, and then say you are living in the past when you try to talk about things with her. It could be that she became a narcissist herself just like my narcissistic mother who was also the scapegoat of her family. It isn’t just the golden children that become narcissists.
I have forgiven her for so many things, so many times, that I don’t know if I can do it anymore. She even tried to make me drown when I was little and didn’t know how to swim yet. My dad saved me. I fucking saw what she did. I fucking know it was on purpose. She has been trying to hurt me and inflict pain on me since I was born, probably because I was born.
Yes, I know she was a child then, but she was still evil towards me. No doubt about it.
When her children were abused, I took them all into my house, her and her children. When she kept going back to the man who abused her children, I tried to talk reason to her. Her kids got taken into care because of it.
I’m sorry if this seems harsh, and if it seems all over the place. I’m just writing as it is coming to me. I am having a lot of old memories coming back now. Things I forgot about since the discard.
I am the lost child of my dysfunctional family. This is an introduction to role of the lost child in a dysfunctional family.
Children from dysfunctional families who have been traumatically abused or abandoned develop Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD).
My journal entries following the discovery that my mother was a narcissist. This is after the discard when I am moving out of my narcissistic mother’s home, going through withdrawal from a/d’s, and eventually going no contact. June 27th/15 – Sept 17/15.
In this video I discuss the different aspects of my narcissistic family and the roles different family members played.