Watch “A Weekend with my Narcissistic In-Laws” on YouTube

I just got back from a weekend with my narcissistic in-laws. My narcissistic father in-law married his narcissistic girlfriend. Once again, I am still realizing the shots they threw in their sick covert manner. I so wish I had recorded the toasts. All of her families’ toasts, including her own, were about what she/they had gained from him, and what he has done for them. My husband’s families’ toasts were about how she made him happy and put a smile on his face again. 
The following link is to a blog post about the last time I saw them 3 years ago. I cut them out of my life after that, but agreed to go to the wedding if my husband talked to them first about how things are going to go from now on, meaning no more passive aggressive bullshit. 

https://pokingholesblog.com/2015/08/12/i-think-my-so-called-step-mother-in-law-is-a-narc-too/
Disclaimer: 

I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.

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My Scapegoat Sister – “It isn’t just the golden children that become narcissists”

Growing up, we were close, both in age, and emotionally. We have always been mistaken as twins, and still to this day somebody will call one of us by the other’s name.

I noticed things changing when she became a teenager and was drinking a lot and getting into trouble. Contrary to what you hear about scapegoats being the truth tellers and empaths, and the one with all the good qualities that the narcissist wishes they had, she actually did do bad things. It wasn’t all just lies of the narcissistic mother and the golden child sister.

When I was 14 she took me to a party where she got drunk and proceeded to make out with guys all over the place. I had a couple of beers, felt sick, went outside to puke and some older boy/man tried to grab me and kiss me. She was supposed to be watching out for me. She laughed when I told her what happened.

She has slept with at least 3 of my boyfriends, and was talking on the phone at night to a man I was living with and neither of them told me about it. When I found out, I blamed her. I now know that this man was a narcissist and was probably using both of us. That doesn’t let her off the hook though.

I know for a fact that she slept with my boyfriend when I was 19 years old, because I caught them in bed together. She tries now to say it never happened. Nice try. Liar!

Just because somebody was a scapegoat doesn’t automatically make them a good person. I feel bad for her because I now understand what happened to her, but for her to lie and not take responsibility, to this day, for what she did to me is unacceptable.

I was not a golden child. I may have thought that I was a golden child, because there was no doubt that she was the scapegoat, but I think the case may be that I was actually a real good ass kisser so that I wouldn’t get abused. I happen to think that was smart on my part at a time when I couldn’t have gone no contact, and would only endure more abuse if I didn’t do that to protect myself.

I will never understand the child that is getting abused and will continue to do things to make life even more difficult for themselves. That was my scapegoat sister.

We were at a family gathering at my grandparents home a few years ago, and I was in the kitchen being a good lost child, doing the dishes, staying in the background. She comes in and starts telling me I’m being an ass kisser. I told her to go and fuck herself.

She has always been loud, obnoxious, and I believe she is a borderline. She will yell, scream, swear, and then say you are living in the past when you try to talk about things with her. It could be that she became a narcissist herself just like my narcissistic mother who was also the scapegoat of her family. It isn’t just the golden children that become narcissists.

I have forgiven her for so many things, so many times, that I don’t know if I can do it anymore. She even tried to make me drown when I was little and didn’t know how to swim yet. My dad saved me. I fucking saw what she did. I fucking know it was on purpose. She has been trying to hurt me and inflict pain on me since I was born, probably because I was born.

Yes, I know she was a child then, but she was still evil towards me. No doubt about it.

When her children were abused, I took them all into my house, her and her children. When she kept going back to the man who abused her children, I tried to talk reason to her. Her kids got taken into care because of it.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh, and if it seems all over the place. I’m just writing as it is coming to me. I am having a lot of old memories coming back now. Things I forgot about since the discard.

When the Narcissistic Mother Hoovers

I got a text from my narcissistic mother on Sunday. I haven’t received any communication from her for over a year because I had her blocked from my phone. Somehow, she got through anyway.

I am feeling very triggered by this. I keep catching myself getting pulled into an emotional flashback several times a day. I’m getting better at recognizing the signs before getting pulled down the rabbit hole again.

Anyhow, here is me talking about when my narcissistic mother tried to hoover me 3 days ago.

Blog Under Construction…lol not really

Remember the good old days when your website was “under construction” while you were editing it. Now, you can edit away while your readers continue reading like nothing was happening.

I wanted to inform you all that I just finished importing blog posts from my original blog to this one. It is a blog I started when I first discovered that my mom has narcissistic personality disorder, right after we moved out of her house. I abandoned it when I thought my flying monkey narcissistic sisters were on to me. It goes back to July 2015.

Instead of just deleting it, I have decided to import those posts into this blog, and if you are interested you can read back to see for yourself how it all began.

I’m going now to delete all of the accounts associated with that blog.

I have deleted anything that identified the other blog name, including comments, etc.

See you soon. 🙂

~ Poking Holes ~

Narcissistic Abuse: My Golden Child Sister

I always looked up to her. I always sought her opinion on important matters. I always looked forward to sharing things with her, and having long talks with her about whatever. I always had her best interests at heart.

That was until, I realized the truth.

When my golden child sister and narcissistic mother discarded me in June 2015, it literally felt like my whole world had been ripped out from underneath me. I was very confused, and to say I was hurt would be an understatement. I was devastated!

It’s funny how just when it feels like your whole world is coming to an end, is when you finally get the answers to all of life’s unanswered questions! After an obsessive (I kid you not) amount of research, I realized they both have narcissistic personality disorder, and that I was suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I decided it was best for my mental health to go no contact with them. I haven’t spoken to either of them in person since September 2015.

One year later….

I get an email from the golden child sister telling me that she misses me and she loves me. The part that is blanked out between her message and the x’s and o’s is my childhood nickname.

goldenchildemail

At first, (I’ll admit) I cried.

After I had time to let it sink in, I began to wonder what she wanted. She must want something. Could it just be supply?

It would be very easy to get all emotional and sentimental, and get sucked right back into the family dysfunction. But, I’ve spent way too many hours learning about this disorder and what being abused by them has done to me to just roll over and let them do it to me all over again. That’s not going to happen. This former quasi golden child/lost child/scapegoat is fully awake.

I have to remember that both my mother and my golden child sister fit the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. They are incapable of real love or empathy. The words she used in her email were carefully crafted in order to induce an emotional response from me.

They want something from me. They’re looking for some supply. I have nothing to give them.

I have chosen to remain NO CONTACT!

No-contact

Narcissism: Ups and Downs

I’m up and I’m down. I’m so confused.

I still wish there was something I could do to make this all go away. I think I could go to my mom and beg for her forgiveness. This would be followed by her saying I better get on some meds and go talk to a counsellor. Ya, no kidding, but would it be worth it? Would I be happier?

Can I do it? Should I do it? Will it actually help me to remember my childhood if I maintain a relationship with her? Just being around her was causing feelings of hatred towards her to well up from inside of me.

It hurts so bad. It hurts that I don’t have the good family that I thought I had.

Should I ask my mom to go to counselling with me,  so I can speak to her in a safe environment? I know if I ask her to talk now, she will want GCS there.  You know, the “sane” one.

Why didn’t I see this before?  Did she really just start treating me strangely after my dad died? Or, did I just wake up? I mean,  I called the woman my bestfriend!  I thought we were close.  I thought I was one of those lucky people that had a great relationship with both of her parents.

Where did it all head south?  And, why??? I’m almost 50! Why now???

That is where I am at today.  I miss my “happy” family.

~ Poking Holes ~

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Narcissism: Don’t Poke the Bear

I have been feeling very afraid and very guilty lately. It’s almost like I’m picking up on the vibes of the smear campaign that is most certainly going on against me, and maybe also against my husband. Am I just being paranoid? I hope so, but I am dealing with narcissists, so it is most likely going on. Isn’t that what they do?

I have read how it is best to not provoke the narcissist and to not give them any information that could harm you. Before I get into what I did, I want to tell you that you should not do what I did.

Basically, my advice to you would be, don’t poke the bear!

I have a hard time keeping my big mouth shut. I’m usually seen as shy by those that don’t know me well, but when I feel like I have been wronged I will usually let you know, one way or another (text, email, vague fb status update). I find it to be such a terrible character flaw. The flaw being that I don’t take the time to think on things, I just react, then I feel guilty afterwards and wish I hadn’t reacted so quickly. I believe this flaw to be fleas caused from growing up in a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic mother at the helm. I’m hoping to change this about myself with strategies learned in therapy. Any helpful strategies, or words of wisdom are much appreciated here. I need help. I know I do.

Okay, here is what I did.

I texted my 2 eldest sisters telling them off and basically making them mad at me so I could justify deleting them from my facebook friends list. NM probably heard all about it.

My reasoning behind wanting to delete them was their outright lack of support during this time. They both pulled away from me, and stopped all communication with me after I asked for their support in going no contact with our NM.They even stopped liking and commenting on pictures of their nephew’s on fb. Either they unfollowed me, or they outright decided to withhold all forms of communication with me because of my decision to go no contact with our NM. I know they are out there though, because they like and comment on other friend’s pictures, etc. It’s like they picked her side, and are incapable of carrying on a normal relationship with me while I’m not in contact with our NM. When I originally contacted them, something I now regret, I basically asked them to not be flying monkeys during my time of no contact with our NM.

By the way, I would recommend not telling other family members what you are doing when going no contact, just do it. They don’t need to know, and from my experience, they don’t know how to handle it, so they pick a side like school children.

The trigger that caused me to react was one sister kept posting memes in response to memes I had posted. For example, I posted this….

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and minutes later, she posted a sickening meme about moms and unconditional love. I messaged her and asked her if we had the same mom, and told her to enjoy her delusions. I then went on to text her after I deleted and blocked her.

She is a devious one. She can act all innocent, but I know her. This was not a coincidence. She was trying to bait me. I come from a family of mostly all girls that have learned to fight for the love and affection of our NM. The fight is pathetic and still very much alive in all of them. She clawed her way to the top, and seems to have taken my spot, and she will fight to stay there. Sounds so weird to talk like that, but that is how it is in my family. It’s just that nobody actually verbalizes what is going on. My husband saw it all along. I see it now too, and it is strange being on the outside looking in. I’d rather be here than back in the sickness though. No plugging back into the matrix for me.

These 2 sisters were 8 and 10 when I was born, so I suppose I was hoping they could help me recall lost memories from my childhood, since I seem to be having trouble remembering things lately. There goes that idea.

I’m really hurt by their lack of support. I don’t understand it, but I guess they are still afraid of our mom being mad at them. She has a way of making the whole family turn against you, while at the same time keeping others from talking to each other about it…as much as she can anyhow. She does not give her love unconditionally. No. You have to earn it, and to keep it, you need to admire her and show her unconditional love, something she herself is incapable of. You must never question her, or her golden child. She gets very defensive if you say anything against her golden child.

When I reacted and texted them, I told them information I would rather NM not know. For instance, that I am suffering from symptoms of C-PTSD that was brought on when I moved into my childhood home with my mother a little over a year ago.

I also told them that I wasn’t going to keep the abuse a secret anymore, and that I would send them a link to my vlog soon. Lol! It makes me laugh because I just know everybody is all “Holy Shit!” “What is she going to say?”, etc. But, at the same time, I know how evil they are, so I just know they are coming up with the biggest smear campaign ever. We all know they’re already telling people I am crazy, or that I’m having problems. Ugh!

I wish I could just keep my big mouth shut and listen to my own advice and “Don’t Poke the Bear!”.

Oh…so, about that vlog….

I’m actually thinking of doing one. I feel very compelled to do it, but it won’t be for revenge. It will be for me and others like me that have endured abuse at the hands of the one person that is supposed to love us unconditionally, our mothers. Would anybody even be interested?

I’m all over the place here, but I am so sick that she abused me, then brainwashed me so badly that I actually called her my best friend! She is nobody’s best friend.

I’m just going to sign off here and leave you with this….

For your own peace of mind, DON’T POKE THE BEAR!

~ Poking Holes~

Narcissism: No contact and the Narcissistic Grandmother

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I’m not sure what to do. It is one of my children’s birthday today, and I thought my narcissist mother and narcissist golden child sister would be leaving town this morning.

My mother texted my husband yesterday and asked if our child could go over to her house for lunch today. He didn’t mention it to me until this morning, and it instantly triggered me. Crying. Confused. Guilty. Mess.

I have arranged a family birthday party tonight thinking they would be gone. I haven’t had any contact since Sept.17th. (See blog post entitled “No Contact”)

I told both of them I’m done and didn’t want any further contact. I spam blocked their numbers from my phone and haven’t tried to contact them. That was only 17 days ago.

Their birthdays’, which are 1 day apart, which they always celebrate together, are in a few days. I won’t be going to any bday party if there is one.  I know I am right about them. I know they are narcissists and are incapable of real love. I know because of how they have been treating me.

I’m feeling agitated and anxious,  because I have a feeling they are going to try and show up, or somebody else is going to text them to come over.

I want my sweet baby to feel the love, but I’m afraid of what it might turn out like if we go ahead with it. I’m just not strong enough yet to face them…if ever. Maybe I can sneak away. I don’t know.  He already had a large friend birthday party a couple of days ago.

I am feeling guilt because I’m denying my baby his grandmother. But, am I really denying him anything? She was abusive to all 6 of her children. What makes me think she won’t try it with him. Especially, if I’m not there with him.

What would you do??? 😥

~ Poking Holes ~

Narcissism: No Contact

I tried to go no contact with my narc mom and narc golden child sister. I thought it would be good for me to stay away for a while.

Then, I decided I’m too sentimental to do that to my family. Maybe I’m wrong about them. I love them so much and the 3 of us used to be so close.

So, off I went with my young son to visit my narc mom after school yesterday. I was having a particularly good day, so I thought nothing could upset me. Man, was I wrong.

After informing me about her latest medical visit, she then went on to tell me that she and narc golden child sister were heading out of town on the morning of my son’s birthday. He’s turning 6. The last time I saw them we talked about his birthday, and they both said they’d be there. I don’t think this is a coincidence.

I tried to hold it in, but the tears started to escape from the corners of my eyes. I wish I could have just said, “oh ya, that’s nice. I’ll bring the little man by to see you before you leave”.  But, no.

I thought the 3 of us were so close that nothing could change that. I was wrong. I’m still trying to figure it all out, but I believe my narc golden child sister intended to get rid of me when she suggested I apply for a job out of town. I looked up to her, so I stupidly listened.  I got the job, moved away, and just moved back after 9 years away from home.

I feel so hurt and confused. It feels like they hate me, and I don’t know what I did to make them turn on me.

I told my mom when I left that I love her, but I can’t see her anymore. It kills me because she is 80 and has ongoing health issues, but I need to look after me and focus on being a good mom to my little man.

Here’s to no contact.

~ Poking Holes ~