Watch “A Weekend with my Narcissistic In-Laws” on YouTube

I just got back from a weekend with my narcissistic in-laws. My narcissistic father in-law married his narcissistic girlfriend. Once again, I am still realizing the shots they threw in their sick covert manner. I so wish I had recorded the toasts. All of her families’ toasts, including her own, were about what she/they had gained from him, and what he has done for them. My husband’s families’ toasts were about how she made him happy and put a smile on his face again. 
The following link is to a blog post about the last time I saw them 3 years ago. I cut them out of my life after that, but agreed to go to the wedding if my husband talked to them first about how things are going to go from now on, meaning no more passive aggressive bullshit. 

https://pokingholesblog.com/2015/08/12/i-think-my-so-called-step-mother-in-law-is-a-narc-too/
Disclaimer: 

I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.

Advertisements

My Scapegoat Sister – “It isn’t just the golden children that become narcissists”

Growing up, we were close, both in age, and emotionally. We have always been mistaken as twins, and still to this day somebody will call one of us by the other’s name.

I noticed things changing when she became a teenager and was drinking a lot and getting into trouble. Contrary to what you hear about scapegoats being the truth tellers and empaths, and the one with all the good qualities that the narcissist wishes they had, she actually did do bad things. It wasn’t all just lies of the narcissistic mother and the golden child sister.

When I was 14 she took me to a party where she got drunk and proceeded to make out with guys all over the place. I had a couple of beers, felt sick, went outside to puke and some older boy/man tried to grab me and kiss me. She was supposed to be watching out for me. She laughed when I told her what happened.

She has slept with at least 3 of my boyfriends, and was talking on the phone at night to a man I was living with and neither of them told me about it. When I found out, I blamed her. I now know that this man was a narcissist and was probably using both of us. That doesn’t let her off the hook though.

I know for a fact that she slept with my boyfriend when I was 19 years old, because I caught them in bed together. She tries now to say it never happened. Nice try. Liar!

Just because somebody was a scapegoat doesn’t automatically make them a good person. I feel bad for her because I now understand what happened to her, but for her to lie and not take responsibility, to this day, for what she did to me is unacceptable.

I was not a golden child. I may have thought that I was a golden child, because there was no doubt that she was the scapegoat, but I think the case may be that I was actually a real good ass kisser so that I wouldn’t get abused. I happen to think that was smart on my part at a time when I couldn’t have gone no contact, and would only endure more abuse if I didn’t do that to protect myself.

I will never understand the child that is getting abused and will continue to do things to make life even more difficult for themselves. That was my scapegoat sister.

We were at a family gathering at my grandparents home a few years ago, and I was in the kitchen being a good lost child, doing the dishes, staying in the background. She comes in and starts telling me I’m being an ass kisser. I told her to go and fuck herself.

She has always been loud, obnoxious, and I believe she is a borderline. She will yell, scream, swear, and then say you are living in the past when you try to talk about things with her. It could be that she became a narcissist herself just like my narcissistic mother who was also the scapegoat of her family. It isn’t just the golden children that become narcissists.

I have forgiven her for so many things, so many times, that I don’t know if I can do it anymore. She even tried to make me drown when I was little and didn’t know how to swim yet. My dad saved me. I fucking saw what she did. I fucking know it was on purpose. She has been trying to hurt me and inflict pain on me since I was born, probably because I was born.

Yes, I know she was a child then, but she was still evil towards me. No doubt about it.

When her children were abused, I took them all into my house, her and her children. When she kept going back to the man who abused her children, I tried to talk reason to her. Her kids got taken into care because of it.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh, and if it seems all over the place. I’m just writing as it is coming to me. I am having a lot of old memories coming back now. Things I forgot about since the discard.

When the Narcissistic Mother Hoovers

I got a text from my narcissistic mother on Sunday. I haven’t received any communication from her for over a year because I had her blocked from my phone. Somehow, she got through anyway.

I am feeling very triggered by this. I keep catching myself getting pulled into an emotional flashback several times a day. I’m getting better at recognizing the signs before getting pulled down the rabbit hole again.

Anyhow, here is me talking about when my narcissistic mother tried to hoover me 3 days ago.

What is CPTSD & Can I Recover From it?

Hi everyone,

I recently uploaded a video to my Youtube channel. Following is the video and, as promised, the video transcript is below.

Don’t forget to Like and Subscribe to my Youtube channel, Poking Holes! 🙂

Here is the link to the video on my Youtube Channel: CPTSD Recovery (Ep2): What is CPTSD & Can I Recover From it?

Video Transcript:

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD)

What is CPTSD and Can I Recover From it?

“CPTSD is a learned set of responses and a failure to complete numerous important developmental tasks.” ~ Pete Walker (pete-walker.com)

“Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is defined as a psychological stress injury which results from ongoing or repeated trauma over which the victim has little or no control, and from which there is no real or perceived hope of escape.” ~ outofthestorm.website

Common Symptoms of CPTSD

  • Emotional Flashbacks
  • Toxic Shame
  • Self Abandonment
  • Inner Critic/Outer Critic
  • Social Anxiety
  • Fragile Self Esteem
  • Oversensitivity to stressful situations
  • Hair-triggered fight/flight response
  • Difficulties in Personal Relationships
  • Suicidal Ideation

  For a more comprehensive list see pete-walker.com

The Good News….

  • We can retrain the brain.
  • CPTSD is caused by our environment.
  • It is not genetic.
  • It is not part of our true character, so it is possible to change the behaviours associated with CPTSD.
  • These behaviours were learned in response to the abusive and/or neglectful environment we grew up in.

More Good News….

  • If we can learn something, we can unlearn it.
  • What was not learned growing up, can be learned now.
  • It’s not too late! Recovery from CPTSD is possible if you do the work.
  • Don’t expect your progress to be in a straight line. It is more of a spiral shape. As you progress in your recovery, you need to review things you covered at an earlier date, just on a deeper level each time.

Resources I Find Helpful in My Ongoing Recovery from CPTSD:

  • The book, “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving”, by Pete Walker. This is a must have!
  • Visit Pete Walker’s website, pete-walker.com, for more information on how to order the book, and for some great free resources.
  • outofthestorm.website
  • Richard Grannon the Spartan Life Coach
  • Google! 🙂

Thank you for watching/reading! 😀

Please follow my blog and make sure to subscribe to my youtube channel, so you can be notified when CPTSD Recovery (Ep3) is released. 🙂

If you haven’t seen CPTSD Recovery (Ep1) yet, here is a link to that video CPTSD Recovery Ep1: Symptoms of CPTSD, and here is a link to the blog post.

~Poking Holes~