Narcissistic Abuse: Sometimes, it is the Not Knowing

When it comes to narcissistic abuse,

especially that of the covert variety,

it can be hard for us to put a finger

on what is happening to us.

Your awareness is limited to the knowledge

that there is an internal struggle within.

The struggle is for your awareness.

The innate response is to block it all out.

Avoid. Distract. Dissociate.

That is what I do, that is what I’ve always done.

Look the other way,

Don’t make it worse.

No eye contact.

Don’t let them know that you know.

I tell myself that I must be inventing problems

where there are none.

It must be all in my head.

I tell them that I am sorry.

I apologize to them for the pain

they have caused me.

Something about their behaviour

triggers me.

It is the same behaviour

that attempted to covet

my authentic self.

Snuff her out.

Lock her away, forever.

It is during this period of distraction,

of limited awareness,

that my mind tries to protect me.

It protects me by not allowing me to acknowledge

their behaviour as the problem.

I am the problem.

I’ve always been the problem.

That is what you are meant to feel.

You are meant to feel insignificant.

Your actual feelings were never taken into consideration.

They were never meant to be.

It is when you experience an awakening,

when you suddenly see and understand

what has been happening to you,

that you understand it was never you.

The only thing you did was try to survive

without going mad.

Sometimes, it is the not knowing

that can drive you mad.

 

Once you do know,

The clarity is redemptive.

 

Love and Light,

~Poking Holes~

 

 

 

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Watch “A Weekend with my Narcissistic In-Laws” on YouTube

I just got back from a weekend with my narcissistic in-laws. My narcissistic father in-law married his narcissistic girlfriend. Once again, I am still realizing the shots they threw in their sick covert manner. I so wish I had recorded the toasts. All of her families’ toasts, including her own, were about what she/they had gained from him, and what he has done for them. My husband’s families’ toasts were about how she made him happy and put a smile on his face again. 
The following link is to a blog post about the last time I saw them 3 years ago. I cut them out of my life after that, but agreed to go to the wedding if my husband talked to them first about how things are going to go from now on, meaning no more passive aggressive bullshit. 

https://pokingholesblog.com/2015/08/12/i-think-my-so-called-step-mother-in-law-is-a-narc-too/
Disclaimer: 

I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.

On Being Silenced by Narcissistic Mother

As a young child, I was silenced. Anything that could cause my narcissistic mother to feel bad would invoke a psychotic shriek fest and physical assault, which was enough to traumatize anybody into silence. 

I became that shy quiet kid that would play quietly with her dolls and try not to make mommy angry. I was that kid that always tried to make mommy and others feel better. She liked that. 

That’s how I gained the status of being her “best friend”. That was, until I started being not so silent and pointing things out. She didn’t like that.  

I still silence myself though. I silence myself so others will love me. I feel if I express my “negative” emotions, or express my distaste in their actions, that they will not love me anymore and will leave me. My mom taught me that. Every time I get angry and my husband reacts I accuse him of not loving me. 

There are the times when I’ve silenced myself one time too many. When I’ve stuffed my insides to capacity and everything comes bursting out like Jack being released from the box.  

Those times are bad. Sometimes, I feel as though I am watching myself from out of body, but I can’t stop myself. I’m triggered, and a part of me knows it, but I’m unable to stop it. I know I sound just like her, yet I can’t stop. I need to stop. I hate that I act like her at those times. It’s fucking disturbing. 

I suppose being aware is a step in the right direction, but ffs. I just want to feel better. I want to feel like I’m actually getting somewhere. I’ve been doing so well, then I’m triggered and it feels like I take a huge step back. 

I’ve been silent on my YouTube channel and here for some time now. I ordered some books that deal with growing up with a narcissistic mother and have gotten to the part where I need to journal and process things. I put the books down and haven’t picked them back up. I’ve been dissociating and avoiding. My bad. 

Time to break the silence. 

When the Narcissistic Mother Hoovers

I got a text from my narcissistic mother on Sunday. I haven’t received any communication from her for over a year because I had her blocked from my phone. Somehow, she got through anyway.

I am feeling very triggered by this. I keep catching myself getting pulled into an emotional flashback several times a day. I’m getting better at recognizing the signs before getting pulled down the rabbit hole again.

Anyhow, here is me talking about when my narcissistic mother tried to hoover me 3 days ago.