As a young child, I was silenced. Anything that could cause my narcissistic mother to feel bad would invoke a psychotic shriek fest and physical assault, which was enough to traumatize anybody into silence.
I became that shy quiet kid that would play quietly with her dolls and try not to make mommy angry. I was that kid that always tried to make mommy and others feel better. She liked that.
That’s how I gained the status of being her “best friend”. That was, until I started being not so silent and pointing things out. She didn’t like that.
I still silence myself though. I silence myself so others will love me. I feel if I express my “negative” emotions, or express my distaste in their actions, that they will not love me anymore and will leave me. My mom taught me that. Every time I get angry and my husband reacts I accuse him of not loving me.
There are the times when I’ve silenced myself one time too many. When I’ve stuffed my insides to capacity and everything comes bursting out like Jack being released from the box.
Those times are bad. Sometimes, I feel as though I am watching myself from out of body, but I can’t stop myself. I’m triggered, and a part of me knows it, but I’m unable to stop it. I know I sound just like her, yet I can’t stop. I need to stop. I hate that I act like her at those times. It’s fucking disturbing.
I suppose being aware is a step in the right direction, but ffs. I just want to feel better. I want to feel like I’m actually getting somewhere. I’ve been doing so well, then I’m triggered and it feels like I take a huge step back.
I’ve been silent on my YouTube channel and here for some time now. I ordered some books that deal with growing up with a narcissistic mother and have gotten to the part where I need to journal and process things. I put the books down and haven’t picked them back up. I’ve been dissociating and avoiding. My bad.
Time to break the silence.
I got a text from my narcissistic mother on Sunday. I haven’t received any communication from her for over a year because I had her blocked from my phone. Somehow, she got through anyway.
I am feeling very triggered by this. I keep catching myself getting pulled into an emotional flashback several times a day. I’m getting better at recognizing the signs before getting pulled down the rabbit hole again.
Anyhow, here is me talking about when my narcissistic mother tried to hoover me 3 days ago.
I am the lost child of my dysfunctional family. This is an introduction to role of the lost child in a dysfunctional family.
Children from dysfunctional families who have been traumatically abused or abandoned develop Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD).
In this vlog I discuss the importance of being able to recognize when you are having an emotional flashback. I discuss a little more about the kinds of abuse I endured as a child. I also discuss dissociation and the fact that I may have dissociated as a small child to block out the times I was abused.
My journal entries following the discovery that my mother was a narcissist. This is after the discard when I am moving out of my narcissistic mother’s home, going through withdrawal from a/d’s, and eventually going no contact. June 27th/15 – Sept 17/15.
In this video I discuss the different aspects of my narcissistic family and the roles different family members played.