Narcissistic Abuse: Sometimes, it is the Not Knowing

When it comes to narcissistic abuse,

especially that of the covert variety,

it can be hard for us to put a finger

on what is happening to us.

Your awareness is limited to the knowledge

that there is an internal struggle within.

The struggle is for your awareness.

The innate response is to block it all out.

Avoid. Distract. Dissociate.

That is what I do, that is what I’ve always done.

Look the other way,

Don’t make it worse.

No eye contact.

Don’t let them know that you know.

I tell myself that I must be inventing problems

where there are none.

It must be all in my head.

I tell them that I am sorry.

I apologize to them for the pain

they have caused me.

Something about their behaviour

triggers me.

It is the same behaviour

that attempted to covet

my authentic self.

Snuff her out.

Lock her away, forever.

It is during this period of distraction,

of limited awareness,

that my mind tries to protect me.

It protects me by not allowing me to acknowledge

their behaviour as the problem.

I am the problem.

I’ve always been the problem.

That is what you are meant to feel.

You are meant to feel insignificant.

Your actual feelings were never taken into consideration.

They were never meant to be.

It is when you experience an awakening,

when you suddenly see and understand

what has been happening to you,

that you understand it was never you.

The only thing you did was try to survive

without going mad.

Sometimes, it is the not knowing

that can drive you mad.

 

Once you do know,

The clarity is redemptive.

 

Love and Light,

~Poking Holes~

 

 

 

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Watch “A Weekend with my Narcissistic In-Laws” on YouTube

I just got back from a weekend with my narcissistic in-laws. My narcissistic father in-law married his narcissistic girlfriend. Once again, I am still realizing the shots they threw in their sick covert manner. I so wish I had recorded the toasts. All of her families’ toasts, including her own, were about what she/they had gained from him, and what he has done for them. My husband’s families’ toasts were about how she made him happy and put a smile on his face again. 
The following link is to a blog post about the last time I saw them 3 years ago. I cut them out of my life after that, but agreed to go to the wedding if my husband talked to them first about how things are going to go from now on, meaning no more passive aggressive bullshit. 

https://pokingholesblog.com/2015/08/12/i-think-my-so-called-step-mother-in-law-is-a-narc-too/
Disclaimer: 

I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.

My Scapegoat Sister – “It isn’t just the golden children that become narcissists”

Growing up, we were close, both in age, and emotionally. We have always been mistaken as twins, and still to this day somebody will call one of us by the other’s name.

I noticed things changing when she became a teenager and was drinking a lot and getting into trouble. Contrary to what you hear about scapegoats being the truth tellers and empaths, and the one with all the good qualities that the narcissist wishes they had, she actually did do bad things. It wasn’t all just lies of the narcissistic mother and the golden child sister.

When I was 14 she took me to a party where she got drunk and proceeded to make out with guys all over the place. I had a couple of beers, felt sick, went outside to puke and some older boy/man tried to grab me and kiss me. She was supposed to be watching out for me. She laughed when I told her what happened.

She has slept with at least 3 of my boyfriends, and was talking on the phone at night to a man I was living with and neither of them told me about it. When I found out, I blamed her. I now know that this man was a narcissist and was probably using both of us. That doesn’t let her off the hook though.

I know for a fact that she slept with my boyfriend when I was 19 years old, because I caught them in bed together. She tries now to say it never happened. Nice try. Liar!

Just because somebody was a scapegoat doesn’t automatically make them a good person. I feel bad for her because I now understand what happened to her, but for her to lie and not take responsibility, to this day, for what she did to me is unacceptable.

I was not a golden child. I may have thought that I was a golden child, because there was no doubt that she was the scapegoat, but I think the case may be that I was actually a real good ass kisser so that I wouldn’t get abused. I happen to think that was smart on my part at a time when I couldn’t have gone no contact, and would only endure more abuse if I didn’t do that to protect myself.

I will never understand the child that is getting abused and will continue to do things to make life even more difficult for themselves. That was my scapegoat sister.

We were at a family gathering at my grandparents home a few years ago, and I was in the kitchen being a good lost child, doing the dishes, staying in the background. She comes in and starts telling me I’m being an ass kisser. I told her to go and fuck herself.

She has always been loud, obnoxious, and I believe she is a borderline. She will yell, scream, swear, and then say you are living in the past when you try to talk about things with her. It could be that she became a narcissist herself just like my narcissistic mother who was also the scapegoat of her family. It isn’t just the golden children that become narcissists.

I have forgiven her for so many things, so many times, that I don’t know if I can do it anymore. She even tried to make me drown when I was little and didn’t know how to swim yet. My dad saved me. I fucking saw what she did. I fucking know it was on purpose. She has been trying to hurt me and inflict pain on me since I was born, probably because I was born.

Yes, I know she was a child then, but she was still evil towards me. No doubt about it.

When her children were abused, I took them all into my house, her and her children. When she kept going back to the man who abused her children, I tried to talk reason to her. Her kids got taken into care because of it.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh, and if it seems all over the place. I’m just writing as it is coming to me. I am having a lot of old memories coming back now. Things I forgot about since the discard.

When the Narcissistic Mother Hoovers

I got a text from my narcissistic mother on Sunday. I haven’t received any communication from her for over a year because I had her blocked from my phone. Somehow, she got through anyway.

I am feeling very triggered by this. I keep catching myself getting pulled into an emotional flashback several times a day. I’m getting better at recognizing the signs before getting pulled down the rabbit hole again.

Anyhow, here is me talking about when my narcissistic mother tried to hoover me 3 days ago.