Narcissistic Abuse: Sometimes, it is the Not Knowing

When it comes to narcissistic abuse,

especially that of the covert variety,

it can be hard for us to put a finger

on what is happening to us.

Your awareness is limited to the knowledge

that there is an internal struggle within.

The struggle is for your awareness.

The innate response is to block it all out.

Avoid. Distract. Dissociate.

That is what I do, that is what I’ve always done.

Look the other way,

Don’t make it worse.

No eye contact.

Don’t let them know that you know.

I tell myself that I must be inventing problems

where there are none.

It must be all in my head.

I tell them that I am sorry.

I apologize to them for the pain

they have caused me.

Something about their behaviour

triggers me.

It is the same behaviour

that attempted to covet

my authentic self.

Snuff her out.

Lock her away, forever.

It is during this period of distraction,

of limited awareness,

that my mind tries to protect me.

It protects me by not allowing me to acknowledge

their behaviour as the problem.

I am the problem.

I’ve always been the problem.

That is what you are meant to feel.

You are meant to feel insignificant.

Your actual feelings were never taken into consideration.

They were never meant to be.

It is when you experience an awakening,

when you suddenly see and understand

what has been happening to you,

that you understand it was never you.

The only thing you did was try to survive

without going mad.

Sometimes, it is the not knowing

that can drive you mad.

 

Once you do know,

The clarity is redemptive.

 

Love and Light,

~Poking Holes~

 

 

 

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Watch “CPTSD: Is the Freeze Response an Indicator of Early Childhood Trauma?” on YouTube

 

This video was made on May 27th, 2017.

I feel like I am stuck in a freeze state sometimes. That is my main response to trauma. I tend to freeze and dissociate by distracting myself or zoning out. When I’m feeling especially triggered I tend to be drawn to my bed and want to lay down and stay there. I am wondering if this is an indication of how early in my childhood the initial trauma occurred. I’d love to know your thoughts.

I will follow this video up with research on this topic and will post a further video on my findings.

Disclaimer:
I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.

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Narcissism: The big discovery

I’ve been trying to remember what prompted me to look into my mother’s behaviour while I was growing up. I guess I’m looking for a way to mark the beginning of the big discovery.

Here is a little background on the past few months.

I’d been diagnosed with depression and anxiety (again) last March (2014). My former doctor prescribed Zoloft. It seemed to help, but not all the time. I felt like I was on a cycle. Sometimes good, other times not so good, a few times really really bad. I began to realize that my moods followed my cycle. I was very moody and irritable before my period and mid-cycle when I was ovulating. I always got pms, but never like this. I am 46, and had noticed perimenopause symptoms for the last couple of years. My former doctor completely ignored anything I said about perimenopause and chose to treat the symptoms instead. She took blood tests, and from the results she told me I wasn’t in menopause. To her, it was an either you are or you’re not thing. I have learned from my new gynecologist that the 5 years leading up to menopause we experience wild fluctuations in our hormone levels, which can have a huge effect on our moods. He prescribed the pill to regulate my hormone fluctuations, and under my gp’s guidance I weaned myself off the Zoloft, reducing my dose by 25mg per week. As of today, I have been off Zoloft for 50 days. I have been experiencing really bad withdrawal symptoms, but I have noticed that I am feeling better lately. It could have something to do with us being out of her house too though.

I was noticing, during those moody times, that I couldn’t stand my mother. In fact, I hated her. She made me irritable, so I avoided her, and I think she felt it. I was talking to my good friend about it, and she asked me if she was a nice mom while growing up. She said that it is possible that I suppressed memories, and they are just coming to the surface now. That really made me think. It was like red flags going off.

Without prompting, I remember my mom spanking me, using wooden spoons on my hands, washing my mouth out with soap, and yelling and screaming all of the time.

I think I googled “Why do I hate my mom”. Anyhow, soon enough I was reading all kinds of information on narcissistic moms, and I felt like I was reading about my family.

The following is what I wrote in my journal on Wednesday, June 17, 2015.

Ok, so this is big! It’s the biggest thing I’ve EVER realized about my childhood. I realized on Monday (could have been Sunday…it’s all been so emotional since the discovery) that my mother is a narcissist. I am the daughter of a Narcissistic Mother!

I’ve been reading about it on the internet and my family is a classic case to a T! My mom had her “golden children” (some more golden than others) and her “scapegoats”. The scapegoats were basically bullied all their lives by their own mother, and the golden children joined in, or did it for her. It’s painful to imagine what life must have been like for my other siblings, especially the scapegoats.

I’m remembering a lot of bad memories, even before the actual realization that my mom has a mental disorder. I’m going to need an outlet, somebody to talk to who understands the disorder. I’m really afraid of the memories that might come forth. I’m just hoping for a bit of good along with the bad. 

So, there you go. I made the big discovery that I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother about one month ago.

~ Poking Holes ~

The following video is me reading out some journal entries, including the one above.