This video was made on May 27th, 2017.
I feel like I am stuck in a freeze state sometimes. That is my main response to trauma. I tend to freeze and dissociate by distracting myself or zoning out. When I’m feeling especially triggered I tend to be drawn to my bed and want to lay down and stay there. I am wondering if this is an indication of how early in my childhood the initial trauma occurred. I’d love to know your thoughts.
I will follow this video up with research on this topic and will post a further video on my findings.
I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.
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In Canada, the country that I live in, the use of physical force on children is an exception to the Criminal Code of Canada.
It is illegal to hit someone else, but if you are their parent or legal guardian you are allowed to hit your kids from ages 2 to a teenager. As long as you are doing it to discipline them, or correct their behaviour, they are fair game with the following exceptions.
The law in Canada allows for minor corrective force or the mildest forms of assault, but a parent or legal guardian can not:
– use force on a child under 2 years old or on a teenager,
– use force that causes harm or might cause bodily harm,
– use force because they are angry, frustrated, have lost their temper or because they have an “abusive personality”,
– hit a child on the head,
– do anything degrading, inhumane or harmful (this might include taking clothes off or spanking in public), or
– use force on children who have disabilities which make it hard for them to learn.
Growing up, my narcissistic mother physically assaulted me and my siblings in the name of discipline. She said it was discipline, but really she had psychotic breaks with reality like a deranged narcissistic sociopath.
Nobody was allowed to express their full range of emotions, but her. Not even dad. If you did, all hell broke loose.
I’ve been hit with wooden spoons, hangers, shoes, hair brushes, and whatever else she could get her hands on. I think she’s even thrown books at me.
I’ve been slapped in the face by her on more occasions than I can recall. I think she really liked that one. The face slapping. It was her favourite. Her mom was a face slapper. I now know that it was illegal for her to do that. In fact, every act of “discipline” on her part was always because she lost her shit and she had to teach us her rules. All illegal.
She also liked washing our mouths out with soap. She did it if we swore. She always made sure to push it up against out top teeth on the way out too.
I’ve never spanked my children. I have always maintained that it is not a good way to discipline a child, and I have always been against it. It never made sense to me to try and corrects a child’s behaviour by hurting them. The biggest irony to me is hitting a child to teach them not to hit others.
Thankfully, there is increasingly more scientific research that shows that physical punishment of any kind is harmful to children.
Perhaps someday, with this and the urging by the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child to stop allowing parents and guardians to use physical force on children for discipline the law will change.
The way I see it, it is the biggest betrayal I can think of, having the person that is supposed to keep you safe from all harm, be the one causing it.
As a young child, I was silenced. Anything that could cause my narcissistic mother to feel bad would invoke a psychotic shriek fest and physical assault, which was enough to traumatize anybody into silence.
I became that shy quiet kid that would play quietly with her dolls and try not to make mommy angry. I was that kid that always tried to make mommy and others feel better. She liked that.
That’s how I gained the status of being her “best friend”. That was, until I started being not so silent and pointing things out. She didn’t like that.
I still silence myself though. I silence myself so others will love me. I feel if I express my “negative” emotions, or express my distaste in their actions, that they will not love me anymore and will leave me. My mom taught me that. Every time I get angry and my husband reacts I accuse him of not loving me.
There are the times when I’ve silenced myself one time too many. When I’ve stuffed my insides to capacity and everything comes bursting out like Jack being released from the box.
Those times are bad. Sometimes, I feel as though I am watching myself from out of body, but I can’t stop myself. I’m triggered, and a part of me knows it, but I’m unable to stop it. I know I sound just like her, yet I can’t stop. I need to stop. I hate that I act like her at those times. It’s fucking disturbing.
I suppose being aware is a step in the right direction, but ffs. I just want to feel better. I want to feel like I’m actually getting somewhere. I’ve been doing so well, then I’m triggered and it feels like I take a huge step back.
I’ve been silent on my YouTube channel and here for some time now. I ordered some books that deal with growing up with a narcissistic mother and have gotten to the part where I need to journal and process things. I put the books down and haven’t picked them back up. I’ve been dissociating and avoiding. My bad.
Time to break the silence.
I have been struggling with recovery even after being 20 months no contact with my narcissistic mother. I have been doing some research, which has led me to my problem. Acceptance.
Meredith’s Video on her youtube channel, Inner Integration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oGdY9MqISw
Skip ahead to 10:36 to get to the part I am referring to.
Resources:This is the article I mentioned, where I got the story I tell at the end.
Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.
I wrote this letter last year. I never meant for her to ever read it. This is for all the survivors of narcissistic mothers out there.