Narcissistic Abuse: Sometimes, it is the Not Knowing

When it comes to narcissistic abuse,

especially that of the covert variety,

it can be hard for us to put a finger

on what is happening to us.

Your awareness is limited to the knowledge

that there is an internal struggle within.

The struggle is for your awareness.

The innate response is to block it all out.

Avoid. Distract. Dissociate.

That is what I do, that is what I’ve always done.

Look the other way,

Don’t make it worse.

No eye contact.

Don’t let them know that you know.

I tell myself that I must be inventing problems

where there are none.

It must be all in my head.

I tell them that I am sorry.

I apologize to them for the pain

they have caused me.

Something about their behaviour

triggers me.

It is the same behaviour

that attempted to covet

my authentic self.

Snuff her out.

Lock her away, forever.

It is during this period of distraction,

of limited awareness,

that my mind tries to protect me.

It protects me by not allowing me to acknowledge

their behaviour as the problem.

I am the problem.

I’ve always been the problem.

That is what you are meant to feel.

You are meant to feel insignificant.

Your actual feelings were never taken into consideration.

They were never meant to be.

It is when you experience an awakening,

when you suddenly see and understand

what has been happening to you,

that you understand it was never you.

The only thing you did was try to survive

without going mad.

Sometimes, it is the not knowing

that can drive you mad.

 

Once you do know,

The clarity is redemptive.

 

Love and Light,

~Poking Holes~

 

 

 

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Watch “CPTSD: Is the Freeze Response an Indicator of Early Childhood Trauma?” on YouTube

 

This video was made on May 27th, 2017.

I feel like I am stuck in a freeze state sometimes. That is my main response to trauma. I tend to freeze and dissociate by distracting myself or zoning out. When I’m feeling especially triggered I tend to be drawn to my bed and want to lay down and stay there. I am wondering if this is an indication of how early in my childhood the initial trauma occurred. I’d love to know your thoughts.

I will follow this video up with research on this topic and will post a further video on my findings.

Disclaimer:
I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.

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Corporal Punishment/ “SPANKING” is CHILD ABUSE

In Canada, the country that I live in, the use of physical force on children is an exception to the Criminal Code of Canada. 

It is illegal to hit someone else, but if you are their parent or legal guardian you are allowed to hit your kids from ages 2 to a teenager. As long as you are doing it to discipline them, or correct their behaviour, they are fair game with the following exceptions. 

The law in Canada allows for minor corrective force or the mildest forms of assault, but a parent or legal guardian can not: 

– use force on a child under 2 years old or on a teenager, 

– use force that causes harm or might cause bodily harm, 

– use force because they are angry, frustrated, have lost their temper or because they have an “abusive personality”, 

– hit a child on the head, 

– do anything degrading, inhumane or harmful (this might include taking clothes off or spanking in public), or 

– use force on children who have disabilities which make it hard for them to learn. 

Growing up, my narcissistic mother physically assaulted me and my siblings in the name of discipline. She said it was discipline, but really she had psychotic breaks with reality like a deranged narcissistic sociopath. 

Nobody was allowed to express their full range of emotions, but her. Not even dad. If you did, all hell broke loose. 

I’ve been hit with wooden spoons, hangers, shoes, hair brushes, and whatever else she could get her hands on. I think she’s even thrown books at me. 

I’ve been slapped in the face by her on more occasions than I can recall. I think she really liked that one. The face slapping. It was her favourite. Her mom was a face slapper. I now know that it was illegal for her to do that. In fact, every act of “discipline” on her part was always because she lost her shit and she had to teach us her rules. All illegal. 

She also liked washing our mouths out with soap. She did it if we swore. She always made sure to push it up against out top teeth on the way out too. 

I’ve never spanked my children. I have always maintained that it is not a good way to discipline a child, and I have always been against it. It never made sense to me to try and corrects a child’s behaviour by hurting them. The biggest irony to me is hitting a child to teach them not to hit others. 

Thankfully, there is increasingly more scientific research that shows that physical punishment of any kind is harmful to children. 

Perhaps someday, with this and the urging by the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child to stop allowing parents and guardians to use physical force on children for discipline the law will change. 

 The way I see it, it is the biggest betrayal I can think of, having the person that is supposed to keep you safe from all harm, be the one causing it.