Narcissistic Abuse: Sometimes, it is the Not Knowing

When it comes to narcissistic abuse,

especially that of the covert variety,

it can be hard for us to put a finger

on what is happening to us.

Your awareness is limited to the knowledge

that there is an internal struggle within.

The struggle is for your awareness.

The innate response is to block it all out.

Avoid. Distract. Dissociate.

That is what I do, that is what I’ve always done.

Look the other way,

Don’t make it worse.

No eye contact.

Don’t let them know that you know.

I tell myself that I must be inventing problems

where there are none.

It must be all in my head.

I tell them that I am sorry.

I apologize to them for the pain

they have caused me.

Something about their behaviour

triggers me.

It is the same behaviour

that attempted to covet

my authentic self.

Snuff her out.

Lock her away, forever.

It is during this period of distraction,

of limited awareness,

that my mind tries to protect me.

It protects me by not allowing me to acknowledge

their behaviour as the problem.

I am the problem.

I’ve always been the problem.

That is what you are meant to feel.

You are meant to feel insignificant.

Your actual feelings were never taken into consideration.

They were never meant to be.

It is when you experience an awakening,

when you suddenly see and understand

what has been happening to you,

that you understand it was never you.

The only thing you did was try to survive

without going mad.

Sometimes, it is the not knowing

that can drive you mad.

 

Once you do know,

The clarity is redemptive.

 

Love and Light,

~Poking Holes~

 

 

 

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When the Narcissistic Mother Hoovers

I got a text from my narcissistic mother on Sunday. I haven’t received any communication from her for over a year because I had her blocked from my phone. Somehow, she got through anyway.

I am feeling very triggered by this. I keep catching myself getting pulled into an emotional flashback several times a day. I’m getting better at recognizing the signs before getting pulled down the rabbit hole again.

Anyhow, here is me talking about when my narcissistic mother tried to hoover me 3 days ago.

What is CPTSD & Can I Recover From it?

Hi everyone,

I recently uploaded a video to my Youtube channel. Following is the video and, as promised, the video transcript is below.

Don’t forget to Like and Subscribe to my Youtube channel, Poking Holes! 🙂

Here is the link to the video on my Youtube Channel: CPTSD Recovery (Ep2): What is CPTSD & Can I Recover From it?

Video Transcript:

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD)

What is CPTSD and Can I Recover From it?

“CPTSD is a learned set of responses and a failure to complete numerous important developmental tasks.” ~ Pete Walker (pete-walker.com)

“Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is defined as a psychological stress injury which results from ongoing or repeated trauma over which the victim has little or no control, and from which there is no real or perceived hope of escape.” ~ outofthestorm.website

Common Symptoms of CPTSD

  • Emotional Flashbacks
  • Toxic Shame
  • Self Abandonment
  • Inner Critic/Outer Critic
  • Social Anxiety
  • Fragile Self Esteem
  • Oversensitivity to stressful situations
  • Hair-triggered fight/flight response
  • Difficulties in Personal Relationships
  • Suicidal Ideation

  For a more comprehensive list see pete-walker.com

The Good News….

  • We can retrain the brain.
  • CPTSD is caused by our environment.
  • It is not genetic.
  • It is not part of our true character, so it is possible to change the behaviours associated with CPTSD.
  • These behaviours were learned in response to the abusive and/or neglectful environment we grew up in.

More Good News….

  • If we can learn something, we can unlearn it.
  • What was not learned growing up, can be learned now.
  • It’s not too late! Recovery from CPTSD is possible if you do the work.
  • Don’t expect your progress to be in a straight line. It is more of a spiral shape. As you progress in your recovery, you need to review things you covered at an earlier date, just on a deeper level each time.

Resources I Find Helpful in My Ongoing Recovery from CPTSD:

  • The book, “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving”, by Pete Walker. This is a must have!
  • Visit Pete Walker’s website, pete-walker.com, for more information on how to order the book, and for some great free resources.
  • outofthestorm.website
  • Richard Grannon the Spartan Life Coach
  • Google! 🙂

Thank you for watching/reading! 😀

Please follow my blog and make sure to subscribe to my youtube channel, so you can be notified when CPTSD Recovery (Ep3) is released. 🙂

If you haven’t seen CPTSD Recovery (Ep1) yet, here is a link to that video CPTSD Recovery Ep1: Symptoms of CPTSD, and here is a link to the blog post.

~Poking Holes~