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Creating Conflict because of my CPTSD

I was reading an article about PTSD.

It was called “21 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because of Your PTSD”. (Link below)

I was reading through the list, which consisted of survivors sharing things they do because of their PTSD.

I was identifying with most of them.

Then, I got to #17 and I was stopped in my tracks.

This is what it read.

17. “[I] seek out confrontation. It’s what I’m used to… I hate conflict, but it’s also what I’m most familiar with.” — Codi W.

I don’t do that, do I?

Do I???

I think I do!

I’ve just had a couple of big things happen recently that I felt I needed to respond to.

I’ve not been acting compulsively though.

I’ve written emails in both instances, and have not sent either of them, because I am trying not to be reactive like I have been in the past.

I’m trying to  be thoughtful with my responses and not act rashly.

I told my husband the other night that it seems like things keep happening that I HAVE to respond to.

I feel that I have to do these things, but I also feel like I am being tested.

Am I just starting conflict where there doesn’t have to be any?

Am I trying to create the outer conflict that I am used to?

If I am doing this, I am acting just like her….again.

She does this.

I’m not blaming, just acknowledging that we learn what we grow up with.

I hate that.

It’s exhausting.

I feel like it is unconscious.

Like, it is automatic.

I don’t always take the time to think.

I always feel so strongly that I am right too.

I feel like this a huge revelation for me.

I am not perfect.

I question daily whether I too could be a narcissist.

It kills me to think I am carrying on some of those traits.

I am willing to change this about myself.

I want to be happy.

I don’t like conflict, and it kills me that I am probably looking for it in my own life.

I think I could be a better advocate if I could abolish my inner and outer critic.

That harsh unkind voice in my head that is uber critical of everything and everybody.

Especially myself.

That’s what this healing journey is all about.

Awakening and healing.

Article Link: 21 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because of Your PTSD


CPTSD Recovery

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Poking Holes View All →

Wife. Mother. Educator. Craft Nerd. Tree hugger. Animal lover. Coffee Lover. Daughter of a narcissistic mother in Recovery from CPTSD.

My Youtube channel is where I will sometimes combine ASMR format with the sharing of my story.

I am working on a series of videos that focus on Recovery from CPTSD.

The name of my youtube channel/blog is meant to have a double meaning. I am poking holes physically as I crochet, but also figuratively, as in I'm poking holes into the stories I've always believed about my family (or was taught to believe), and discovering the real truth.

Crochet became a form of meditation for me to get me through some of my darkest moments. I hope you find it relaxing.

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