When it comes to narcissistic abuse,
especially that of the covert variety,
it can be hard for us to put a finger
on what is happening to us.
Your awareness is limited to the knowledge
that there is an internal struggle within.
The struggle is for your awareness.
The innate response is to block it all out.
Avoid. Distract. Dissociate.
That is what I do, that is what I’ve always done.
Look the other way,
Don’t make it worse.
No eye contact.
Don’t let them know that you know.
I tell myself that I must be inventing problems
where there are none.
It must be all in my head.
I tell them that I am sorry.
I apologize to them for the pain
they have caused me.
Something about their behaviour
It is the same behaviour
that attempted to covet
my authentic self.
Snuff her out.
Lock her away, forever.
It is during this period of distraction,
of limited awareness,
that my mind tries to protect me.
It protects me by not allowing me to acknowledge
their behaviour as the problem.
I am the problem.
I’ve always been the problem.
That is what you are meant to feel.
You are meant to feel insignificant.
Your actual feelings were never taken into consideration.
They were never meant to be.
It is when you experience an awakening,
when you suddenly see and understand
what has been happening to you,
that you understand it was never you.
The only thing you did was try to survive
without going mad.
Sometimes, it is the not knowing
that can drive you mad.
Once you do know,
The clarity is redemptive.
Love and Light,
I just got back from a weekend with my narcissistic in-laws. My narcissistic father in-law married his narcissistic girlfriend. Once again, I am still realizing the shots they threw in their sick covert manner. I so wish I had recorded the toasts. All of her families’ toasts, including her own, were about what she/they had gained from him, and what he has done for them. My husband’s families’ toasts were about how she made him happy and put a smile on his face again.
The following link is to a blog post about the last time I saw them 3 years ago. I cut them out of my life after that, but agreed to go to the wedding if my husband talked to them first about how things are going to go from now on, meaning no more passive aggressive bullshit.
I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.