Blog Under Construction…lol not really

Remember the good old days when your website was “under construction” while you were editing it. Now, you can edit away while your readers continue reading like nothing was happening.

I wanted to inform you all that I just finished importing blog posts from my original blog to this one. It is a blog I started when I first discovered that my mom has narcissistic personality disorder, right after we moved out of her house. I abandoned it when I thought my flying monkey narcissistic sisters were on to me. It goes back to July 2015.

Instead of just deleting it, I have decided to import those posts into this blog, and if you are interested you can read back to see for yourself how it all began.

I’m going now to delete all of the accounts associated with that blog.

I have deleted anything that identified the other blog name, including comments, etc.

See you soon. 🙂

~ Poking Holes ~


What is CPTSD & Can I Recover From it?

Hi everyone,

I recently uploaded a video to my Youtube channel. Following is the video and, as promised, the video transcript is below.

Don’t forget to Like and Subscribe to my Youtube channel, Poking Holes! 🙂

Here is the link to the video on my Youtube Channel: CPTSD Recovery (Ep2): What is CPTSD & Can I Recover From it?

Video Transcript:

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD)

What is CPTSD and Can I Recover From it?

“CPTSD is a learned set of responses and a failure to complete numerous important developmental tasks.” ~ Pete Walker (

“Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is defined as a psychological stress injury which results from ongoing or repeated trauma over which the victim has little or no control, and from which there is no real or perceived hope of escape.” ~

Common Symptoms of CPTSD

  • Emotional Flashbacks
  • Toxic Shame
  • Self Abandonment
  • Inner Critic/Outer Critic
  • Social Anxiety
  • Fragile Self Esteem
  • Oversensitivity to stressful situations
  • Hair-triggered fight/flight response
  • Difficulties in Personal Relationships
  • Suicidal Ideation

  For a more comprehensive list see

The Good News….

  • We can retrain the brain.
  • CPTSD is caused by our environment.
  • It is not genetic.
  • It is not part of our true character, so it is possible to change the behaviours associated with CPTSD.
  • These behaviours were learned in response to the abusive and/or neglectful environment we grew up in.

More Good News….

  • If we can learn something, we can unlearn it.
  • What was not learned growing up, can be learned now.
  • It’s not too late! Recovery from CPTSD is possible if you do the work.
  • Don’t expect your progress to be in a straight line. It is more of a spiral shape. As you progress in your recovery, you need to review things you covered at an earlier date, just on a deeper level each time.

Resources I Find Helpful in My Ongoing Recovery from CPTSD:

  • The book, “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving”, by Pete Walker. This is a must have!
  • Visit Pete Walker’s website,, for more information on how to order the book, and for some great free resources.
  • Richard Grannon the Spartan Life Coach
  • Google! 🙂

Thank you for watching/reading! 😀

Please follow my blog and make sure to subscribe to my youtube channel, so you can be notified when CPTSD Recovery (Ep3) is released. 🙂

If you haven’t seen CPTSD Recovery (Ep1) yet, here is a link to that video CPTSD Recovery Ep1: Symptoms of CPTSD, and here is a link to the blog post.

~Poking Holes~


Narcissistic Abuse: My Golden Child Sister

I always looked up to her. I always sought her opinion on important matters. I always looked forward to sharing things with her, and having long talks with her about whatever. I always had her best interests at heart.

That was until, I realized the truth.

When my golden child sister and narcissistic mother discarded me in June 2015, it literally felt like my whole world had been ripped out from underneath me. I was very confused, and to say I was hurt would be an understatement. I was devastated!

It’s funny how just when it feels like your whole world is coming to an end, is when you finally get the answers to all of life’s unanswered questions! After an obsessive (I kid you not) amount of research, I realized they both have narcissistic personality disorder, and that I was suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I decided it was best for my mental health to go no contact with them. I haven’t spoken to either of them in person since September 2015.

One year later….

I get an email from the golden child sister telling me that she misses me and she loves me. The part that is blanked out between her message and the x’s and o’s is my childhood nickname.


At first, (I’ll admit) I cried.

After I had time to let it sink in, I began to wonder what she wanted. She must want something. Could it just be supply?

It would be very easy to get all emotional and sentimental, and get sucked right back into the family dysfunction. But, I’ve spent way too many hours learning about this disorder and what being abused by them has done to me to just roll over and let them do it to me all over again. That’s not going to happen. This former quasi golden child/lost child/scapegoat is fully awake.

I have to remember that both my mother and my golden child sister fit the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. They are incapable of real love or empathy. The words she used in her email were carefully crafted in order to induce an emotional response from me.

They want something from me. They’re looking for some supply. I have nothing to give them.

I have chosen to remain NO CONTACT!


CPTSD: Today Was Not A Good Day

I am a mess.

I keep trying to look for something that

is going to help me to feel “normal” again.

I am in a fog.

I am 2 steps forward, 2 steps back.

I have been emotionally injured.

I have an emotional injury.

My inner critic is very mean.

My inner critic makes me cry,

and believe that I am pathetic,

and beyond repair.

I can’t accept that though.

I don’t accept that.

The part of me that doesn’t accept that

is the real me, the authentic me.

The part that kept her self hidden from danger.

She’s still in there,

but she isn’t sure

it’s safe to come out yet.

~ Poking Holes ~