I recently started a YouTube channel. I am going to post the video transcripts and a link to the videos on this blog. The following is the first video I uploaded to YouTube.
Video Transcript: Welcome to my Channel: I’m the Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother
Welcome to my channel.
I’m a wife and a mother, an educator, a bit of a craft nerd, a tree hugger and a dog lover, and I’ve recently discovered that I’m the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
What prompted the discovery is that I recently moved back to my home town after being away for 9 years. I moved back “home” because I was having problems with depression and anxiety, and I felt like I needed my family. I felt like I needed my mother. My father had passed away 4 years prior to this. My husband and I both agreed that it would be for the best if we moved here. We sold our home, where we lived for the past 5 years, and moved into my childhood home with my mother. Now, this was on a temporary basis, until we could get jobs, get a mortgage, and purchase our own home. It took 9 months for me to discover and to realize that my mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and my closest sister is her Golden Child, and she is actually also a narcissist.
What ultimately brought me to this discovery is being discarded by my narcissistic mother and narcissistic golden child sister. I was told I was crazy, by both of them, that I needed to be on medication, that I needed to see a counsellor, and basically, what it felt like for me is like I was being kicked when I was down. I felt like they were ashamed of me. I felt like they didn’t know how to deal with me, and that I made them look bad because I was going through these problems. These were two people that I loved dearly and who I though felt the same about me. It was really devastating. It’s been a rough 10 months since that happened and since that discovery about my family.
I picked up crochet during that time, and it has really been a very useful tool for me as a form of meditation, to get out of my own head. Especially during times of intense anxiety, which came with feelings of shame and guilt, and outright fear. These feelings came about following the discovery that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder.
Once I discovered that I have been staying away from them, and I actually went no contact. So, I know that the feelings of shame and the guilt and the fear, and those feelings are there because I’m going against the family, and I’m going against my mother. I’m speaking out about things that you shouldn’t speak out about. That they think you shouldn’t speak out about. It’s the untold thing. We’re not allowed to talk about what’s really going on. And, I mean, I just found out. I mean, I feel like I just discovered it, but ultimately (I’ll discuss this more), I feel like I have only just covered it up from myself. Like, I hid it from myself sort of, just so I could go on, and still have a family. It’s not a great feeling to have this discovery and then realize that I can’t be around them. I’ve always been a big family person, so for this to happen, and for me to realize that things weren’t the way that I thought they were, and for me to realize that I can’t have that close family unit that I thought I had, is a harsh reality.
Lately, I feel like I am stuck. I’m currently in a place of needing to face it and to face my past. I am here to tell my story. I realize I need to get my story out in order to heal. I need to talk to others who get it, who’ve been there, who will understand. I need to put into words what happened. I need to tell my truth for my own health and well being.
I really hope in doing so that my videos are helpful to others. I know when I watched other YouTubers’ videos, or when I read other peoples’ stories, about narcissistic abuse, it really helps to see your story, for somebody to verbalize, to put into words, what you feel.
So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to share my story, and hopefully it can help me to become unstuck. Help me to heal and grow, and move beyond this.
Like I said, I hope in doing so that I’m able to help others in the process.
Thank you for being here.
End Video Transcript***
In case you are interested in the crocheting part of the video. 🙂
Crochet Wash Cloth
Click for the Free Pattern I used.
Materials I used: Yarn: Bernat Handicrafter cotton (Crown Jewels OMB) Crochet Hook: Size H/8 – 5.0mm Yarn Needle Scissors
Here is a picture of my finished crocheted wash cloth. I love the colours. 🙂