Struggling with CPTSD

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Why do I feel so crazy???!!!

I misinterpret.
I overreact.
I feel guilty.
I feel ashamed.
I feel so lost because I feel like I’ve lost my family.
I don’t know if I can continue with no contact.
I don’t think I can have contact with my narc mom because I come undone with even a text message from her.
I’m so confused.
I’m so sad.
I’m so angry.
I feel stuck.
I feel afraid.
I feel like I’m going to push the remaining people in my life away.
I feel like i’m losing my mind.
I need help.
I need more help than I’m able to get in this small town.
I can’t work.
I can’t do anything.
I try to distract myself.
It’s not fair that they can do this to me!!!
Why does golden child sister get to treat me and my family like dirt, and the rest of the family says nothing because they’re just glad it’s not them. What kind of sick fucking family acts like this???
We didn’t do anything to deserve what happened.
My sick narcissistic golden child sister is a massive fucking asshole. She was my closest sibling. We were like best friends. I don’t even recognize her anymore.
I may have seen her treat my scape goat sister like this before though. How did I not think she was an asshole then? I was just like the rest of them. Head up narc mom and narc gc sisters’ asses. So sickening. So dysfunctional.
I’m sick enough to think I can fix things. I can’t though. I can’t unsee what I’ve seen. I can’t unlearn what I have learned.
I need help. I need guidance.  I need somebody to help me before it gets worse.

~ Poking Holes ~

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