I’m up and I’m down. I’m so confused.
I still wish there was something I could do to make this all go away. I think I could go to my mom and beg for her forgiveness. This would be followed by her saying I better get on some meds and go talk to a counsellor. Ya, no kidding, but would it be worth it? Would I be happier?
Can I do it? Should I do it? Will it actually help me to remember my childhood if I maintain a relationship with her? Just being around her was causing feelings of hatred towards her to well up from inside of me.
It hurts so bad. It hurts that I don’t have the good family that I thought I had.
Should I ask my mom to go to counselling with me, so I can speak to her in a safe environment? I know if I ask her to talk now, she will want GCS there. You know, the “sane” one.
Why didn’t I see this before? Did she really just start treating me strangely after my dad died? Or, did I just wake up? I mean, I called the woman my bestfriend! I thought we were close. I thought I was one of those lucky people that had a great relationship with both of her parents.
Where did it all head south? And, why??? I’m almost 50! Why now???
That is where I am at today. I miss my “happy” family.
~ Poking Holes ~
Wife. Mother. Educator. Craft Nerd. Tree hugger. Animal lover. Coffee Lover. Daughter of a narcissistic mother in Recovery from CPTSD.
My Youtube channel is where I will sometimes combine ASMR format with the sharing of my story.
I am working on a series of videos that focus on Recovery from CPTSD.
The name of my youtube channel/blog is meant to have a double meaning. I am poking holes physically as I crochet, but also figuratively, as in I'm poking holes into the stories I've always believed about my family (or was taught to believe), and discovering the real truth.
Crochet became a form of meditation for me to get me through some of my darkest moments. I hope you find it relaxing.