Narcissism: Ups and Downs

I’m up and I’m down. I’m so confused.

I still wish there was something I could do to make this all go away. I think I could go to my mom and beg for her forgiveness. This would be followed by her saying I better get on some meds and go talk to a counsellor. Ya, no kidding, but would it be worth it? Would I be happier?

Can I do it? Should I do it? Will it actually help me to remember my childhood if I maintain a relationship with her? Just being around her was causing feelings of hatred towards her to well up from inside of me.

It hurts so bad. It hurts that I don’t have the good family that I thought I had.

Should I ask my mom to go to counselling with me,  so I can speak to her in a safe environment? I know if I ask her to talk now, she will want GCS there.  You know, the “sane” one.

Why didn’t I see this before?  Did she really just start treating me strangely after my dad died? Or, did I just wake up? I mean,  I called the woman my bestfriend!  I thought we were close.  I thought I was one of those lucky people that had a great relationship with both of her parents.

Where did it all head south?  And, why??? I’m almost 50! Why now???

That is where I am at today.  I miss my “happy” family.

~ Poking Holes ~



Narcissism: Don’t Poke the Bear

I have been feeling very afraid and very guilty lately. It’s almost like I’m picking up on the vibes of the smear campaign that is most certainly going on against me, and maybe also against my husband. Am I just being paranoid? I hope so, but I am dealing with narcissists, so it is most likely going on. Isn’t that what they do?

I have read how it is best to not provoke the narcissist and to not give them any information that could harm you. Before I get into what I did, I want to tell you that you should not do what I did.

Basically, my advice to you would be, don’t poke the bear!

I have a hard time keeping my big mouth shut. I’m usually seen as shy by those that don’t know me well, but when I feel like I have been wronged I will usually let you know, one way or another (text, email, vague fb status update). I find it to be such a terrible character flaw. The flaw being that I don’t take the time to think on things, I just react, then I feel guilty afterwards and wish I hadn’t reacted so quickly. I believe this flaw to be fleas caused from growing up in a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic mother at the helm. I’m hoping to change this about myself with strategies learned in therapy. Any helpful strategies, or words of wisdom are much appreciated here. I need help. I know I do.

Okay, here is what I did.

I texted my 2 eldest sisters telling them off and basically making them mad at me so I could justify deleting them from my facebook friends list. NM probably heard all about it.

My reasoning behind wanting to delete them was their outright lack of support during this time. They both pulled away from me, and stopped all communication with me after I asked for their support in going no contact with our NM.They even stopped liking and commenting on pictures of their nephew’s on fb. Either they unfollowed me, or they outright decided to withhold all forms of communication with me because of my decision to go no contact with our NM. I know they are out there though, because they like and comment on other friend’s pictures, etc. It’s like they picked her side, and are incapable of carrying on a normal relationship with me while I’m not in contact with our NM. When I originally contacted them, something I now regret, I basically asked them to not be flying monkeys during my time of no contact with our NM.

By the way, I would recommend not telling other family members what you are doing when going no contact, just do it. They don’t need to know, and from my experience, they don’t know how to handle it, so they pick a side like school children.

The trigger that caused me to react was one sister kept posting memes in response to memes I had posted. For example, I posted this….


and minutes later, she posted a sickening meme about moms and unconditional love. I messaged her and asked her if we had the same mom, and told her to enjoy her delusions. I then went on to text her after I deleted and blocked her.

She is a devious one. She can act all innocent, but I know her. This was not a coincidence. She was trying to bait me. I come from a family of mostly all girls that have learned to fight for the love and affection of our NM. The fight is pathetic and still very much alive in all of them. She clawed her way to the top, and seems to have taken my spot, and she will fight to stay there. Sounds so weird to talk like that, but that is how it is in my family. It’s just that nobody actually verbalizes what is going on. My husband saw it all along. I see it now too, and it is strange being on the outside looking in. I’d rather be here than back in the sickness though. No plugging back into the matrix for me.

These 2 sisters were 8 and 10 when I was born, so I suppose I was hoping they could help me recall lost memories from my childhood, since I seem to be having trouble remembering things lately. There goes that idea.

I’m really hurt by their lack of support. I don’t understand it, but I guess they are still afraid of our mom being mad at them. She has a way of making the whole family turn against you, while at the same time keeping others from talking to each other about it…as much as she can anyhow. She does not give her love unconditionally. No. You have to earn it, and to keep it, you need to admire her and show her unconditional love, something she herself is incapable of. You must never question her, or her golden child. She gets very defensive if you say anything against her golden child.

When I reacted and texted them, I told them information I would rather NM not know. For instance, that I am suffering from symptoms of C-PTSD that was brought on when I moved into my childhood home with my mother a little over a year ago.

I also told them that I wasn’t going to keep the abuse a secret anymore, and that I would send them a link to my vlog soon. Lol! It makes me laugh because I just know everybody is all “Holy Shit!” “What is she going to say?”, etc. But, at the same time, I know how evil they are, so I just know they are coming up with the biggest smear campaign ever. We all know they’re already telling people I am crazy, or that I’m having problems. Ugh!

I wish I could just keep my big mouth shut and listen to my own advice and “Don’t Poke the Bear!”.

Oh…so, about that vlog….

I’m actually thinking of doing one. I feel very compelled to do it, but it won’t be for revenge. It will be for me and others like me that have endured abuse at the hands of the one person that is supposed to love us unconditionally, our mothers. Would anybody even be interested?

I’m all over the place here, but I am so sick that she abused me, then brainwashed me so badly that I actually called her my best friend! She is nobody’s best friend.

I’m just going to sign off here and leave you with this….

For your own peace of mind, DON’T POKE THE BEAR!

~ Poking Holes~

Narcissism: My suspicions were validated by my scapegoat sister

I finally contacted my sister who was/is the family scapegoat. I was afraid to at first. I held back from doing it for a long time. I was worried about hurting her in some way, and also worried that I would end up getting hurt as well.

I sent her a couple of links to webpages and said “Check this out. Let me know what you think.”

These are the links I sent her. Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers.

Her simple reply was so validating that I felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

She said “its all true lol”. I felt so relieved, but at the same time deep regret that I was right.

We texted back and forth about things we remember happening, about what is happening now, and what we are doing about it. We are both suffering from symptoms of c-ptsd. We both had to drop out of post secondary school because we are having memory problems. I will save the rest of what we talked about, and continue to talk about, for future blog posts.

Get this though!!!

When I first discovered what was going on with my family, I told both my narcissistic mom and my narcissistic golden child sister that they treated the scapegoat sister horribly all her life. How our narcissistic mom encouraged all of us to tease and make fun of her, to call her a liar, anything to make her believe she was nothing. She stuttered terribly. I felt so bad for her. Of course, they both denied all of it.

Here is the thing. My scapegoat sister told me that since I confronted them, our nm and our ngcs have been really nice to her, and she is finding it very weird. My mom has been telling her that she loves her, something she said nm rarely ever did. She said nm has been sucking up to her, by snuggling up beside her on the couch, something she has also never done. My scapegoat sister made me laugh when she said it creeped her out. Also, ngcs loaned her money to get a new place when she broke up with her boyfriend and needed to find a new place to live. She is not falling for their bullshit though. She never did. She is the truth teller, but I was taught to believe she was the biggest liar in the whole world.

Can you say damage control though? Do they really believe she is falling for their crap?

I can’t wait to see her so that I can hug her and properly apologize to her for getting sucked into their web of craziness and lies. You see, we used to be close. My ngcs took several opportunities to tell me why I shouldn’t hang out with sgs, and why she is bad news. Here, it was her that was bad news all along. I wish I knew how they get away with being so vile, yet still manage to make the rest of the world think they are good people.

Now, that my suspicions have been validated, it’s time to continue on my healing journey. I’m feeling stuck though. I think I’m afraid of what I will remember. My brain is already shutting down on me and I’m having trouble recalling childhood memories, good or bad.

~ Poking Holes ~