Why Is No Contact So Difficult?

After Narcissistic Abuse

One of the hardest things about narcissistic abuse and going no contact, is getting to that point in time where we cross the line from WANTING the narcissist to love us & being devastated by the feelings that they don’t, along with everything that means to us and ACCEPTING that they are entirely and forever incapable of it.

Whether or not we loved ourselves before we met a narcissist, is irrelevant. The fact is, we were sold on the idea that a narcissist did love us in a grandiose narc fashion, then they went about the business of abusing us. In that abuse, they also relentlessly verbally berated us, insidiously blamed us over and over again, sending us the message that somehow the abuse was our fault and that we were not worthy of anything more.

By the time we wise up and decide to put them behind us, the…

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Narcissism: Denial???

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I’m so lost and confused. I keep going back and forth between believing that my mom and golden child sister are narcissists, and maybe I’m just being too sensitive, or I’m acting like a spoiled baby.

I’m used to being the one to apologize to make things better between mom and I after a disagreement. I’m used to making sure she is happy, so I don’t suffer her wrath.

I may have mentioned this before, but at some point after my dad died, my mom began scapegoating me.
For example, she would say things about my brother’s fiance, telling me how wonderful she was that it was nothing for her to get all the kids ready and go downtown, and she doesn’t even have a car. Before, I would have felt badly about myself, but not this time. I was going through post partum depression, and grieving for the loss of my dad. My baby was premature and required frequent feedings, day and night. Nobody seemed to care or understand that I was sleep deprived on top of the ppd. I told her “that’s great if you like dragging your kids all over hell’s half acre, and spending all your time away from your own home”. Lol! She didn’t like that. She loves going downtown shopping, and she was trying to make me feel guilty enough to pull myself together and drag her and my toddler around downtown. She gets a lot of pleasure from spending money on clothes, even if she never wears them. My mom is also a hoarder.

So, just little low blows and jabs at me and my character to make me feel inadequate, or guilty, or whatever she wants at the moment.

I’m going to try and explain how this situation makes me feel. It feels like my mom and sister stopped loving me. It is like, at some point after dad died, they decided I wasn’t worthy of being in the “in crowd” anymore. I wasn’t together enough to be worthy of their love and affection. I feel so much rejection. Such loss. It’s hard to wrap my head around them not being capable of love, when I was so close to them and it felt like they love me.

I would think that if somebody I love is suffering, I would try to help them, not abandon them and try to make them feel worse. I don’t get it. It doesn’t feel normal. There could be only 2 possible explanations. I truly am going crazy like they say, or they are narcissists and are not capable of real love.

They are so concerned with their image, with “what the neighbors will think”, and they think I will make them look bad, so they made me into a scapegoat. After 46 years of thinking everything was normal, it took me speaking up and calling them on their bullshit to figure out that I grew up in a dysfunctional home.

As long as I was being treated like a “golden child” I wasn’t the wiser. As soon as I became the scapegoat, all the pieces began falling into place. My family is messed up! My mom is a narcissist, and my dad (as far as I can discern up to this point) was an enabler.

I plan on seeking psychotherapy for what I went through as a small child. I believe I dissociated a lot to escape the craziness, and as a result I’m realizing I don’t have very many childhood memories.

Please let me know if you can relate to what I am going through. Did you, as an adult, discover that your family wasn’t what you thought it was? Have you gone through being scapegoated after being a golden child for much of your life?

Please let me know how you are dealing with it. Not that I wish this on anyone else, but it really helps to find out that you are not alone, and somebody out there gets it, somebody out there gets what you are going through.

~ Poking Holes ~

 

Narcissism: No contact and the Narcissistic Grandmother

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I’m not sure what to do. It is one of my children’s birthday today, and I thought my narcissist mother and narcissist golden child sister would be leaving town this morning.

My mother texted my husband yesterday and asked if our child could go over to her house for lunch today. He didn’t mention it to me until this morning, and it instantly triggered me. Crying. Confused. Guilty. Mess.

I have arranged a family birthday party tonight thinking they would be gone. I haven’t had any contact since Sept.17th. (See blog post entitled “No Contact”)

I told both of them I’m done and didn’t want any further contact. I spam blocked their numbers from my phone and haven’t tried to contact them. That was only 17 days ago.

Their birthdays’, which are 1 day apart, which they always celebrate together, are in a few days. I won’t be going to any bday party if there is one.  I know I am right about them. I know they are narcissists and are incapable of real love. I know because of how they have been treating me.

I’m feeling agitated and anxious,  because I have a feeling they are going to try and show up, or somebody else is going to text them to come over.

I want my sweet baby to feel the love, but I’m afraid of what it might turn out like if we go ahead with it. I’m just not strong enough yet to face them…if ever. Maybe I can sneak away. I don’t know.  He already had a large friend birthday party a couple of days ago.

I am feeling guilt because I’m denying my baby his grandmother. But, am I really denying him anything? She was abusive to all 6 of her children. What makes me think she won’t try it with him. Especially, if I’m not there with him.

What would you do??? 😥

~ Poking Holes ~