I’m feeling confused. I feel this way when I try to sink back into the ignorance I’ve lived my life in before the discovery. The discovery that I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
It’s a pretty big thing to wrap your head around. I’m afraid sometimes to continue because I’m afraid of what I might uncover.
Before, I would have described my family as a very loving and affectionate family. Now, I’m not sure if my mom was even capable of loving us at all. I remember a lot of love and affection from my Dad though. I believe he was an enabler, not a narcissist like my mom.
When my oldest sister told me she moved away because of my mother, I became afraid that I may have been through more trauma than I thought. She said there was always yelling and arguing at every family gathering. I don’t remember the holidays being like that. I love Christmas, so the fact that I don’t remember it the way she does tells me that my young mind blocked out some of the craziness. When my sister moved away I was around 11 or 12.
I’m going to write here more often. Every time I get a memory, or see a meme that I can relate to, I will share. It may be all over the place, but it will help me to heal none the less, and that is the purpose of this blog anyhow.
I just thought I’d mention that I am not speaking to my mom right now. She will text me once in a while, or I will text her, but I haven’t seen or spoken to her since the end of June.
~ Poking Holes ~