Narcissism: Does my fat protect me?

I want to talk a bit about body image issues.

As far back as I can remember, my narcissistic mom (NM) has been on one diet or another. My Golden Child Sister (GCS) has been watching what she eats since she was 10, if not younger. All 5 of us girls have issues with our weight.

My weight has yoyoed up and down my whole adult life. Each time becoming heavier than the last.

I am currently at the heaviest I have EVER been my whole life. I gained 70 lbs in the last 9 months that I lived with my NM.

My NM knew I was struggling, starting and restarting the eating plan that I had used to lose 50 lbs the year previous. She would come home with “treats”, or bake something gluten free (we’re both intolerant) and say it was especially for me. Sabotage, or what? I would eat the whole thing too. That was my MO. Binge eating. Stuff stuff stuff those feelings down. Just blindly stuffing, not even really tasting it. My mom is a binge eater too, but she can’t eat as much as she used to now that she’s older. She used to binge and purge. I can’t do the purging thing. I tried a couple of times.

My maternal grandmother was very judgmental towards “fat” people. She was very outspoken about somebody being fat, and that was usually the first thing that she would comment on about somebody, their weight. “Wow! Is she ever FAT!” She was also a NM. My mom has slowly opened up to us in the last few years about some of the things my grandmother would do and say to her when she was a child. My grandmother wasn’t skinny either. Not until she got older, then she thinned right out.

I just read something that really hit home with me. I may have piled on the pounds to insulate me from NM. The whole time we lived with her was horrible. It ruined any relationship we had left. Well, that and learning that she is textbook case of narcissistic personality disorder.

I don’t even know how to be around her now, or even what to say, so I just stay away. She doesn’t really seem to care either, which kind of hurts because she used to call me her “best friend”. More on that at a later date.

While we lived there, I couldn’t walk into the same room as her without feeling her looking me up and down, and then her making some comment about my body (usually my ass), or an article of clothing I was wearing. I don’t know, I just found it weird and intrusive. Like, stop looking at my frigging body! It’s not like it was something new between us either. I had just hit my limit with it.

Apparently, on a metaphysical level, we gain weight for self protection. I’m going to do some reading on the subject, but it seems legit to me.

In closing, I have been out of NM’s house for 21 days, and I have lost 9.5 lbs.

~ Poking Holes ~

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Narcissism: Afraid and Confused

I’m feeling confused. I feel this way when I try to sink back into the ignorance I’ve lived my life in before the discovery. The discovery that I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother.

It’s a pretty big thing to wrap your head around. I’m afraid sometimes to continue because I’m afraid of what I might uncover.

Before, I would have described my family as a very loving and affectionate family.  Now, I’m not sure if my mom was even capable of loving us at all. I remember a lot of love and affection from my Dad though. I believe he was an enabler, not a narcissist like my mom.

When my oldest sister told me she moved away because of my mother, I became afraid that I may have been through more trauma than I thought. She said there was always yelling and arguing at every family gathering. I don’t remember the holidays being like that. I love Christmas, so the fact that I don’t remember it the way she does tells me that my young mind blocked out some of the craziness. When my sister moved away I was around 11 or 12.

I’m going to write here more often. Every time I get a memory, or see a meme that I can relate to, I will share. It may be all over the place, but it will help me to heal none the less, and that is the purpose of this blog anyhow.

I just thought I’d mention that I am not speaking to my mom right now. She will text me once in a while, or I will text her, but I haven’t seen or spoken to her since the end of June.

~ Poking Holes ~

Narcissism: The big discovery

I’ve been trying to remember what prompted me to look into my mother’s behaviour while I was growing up. I guess I’m looking for a way to mark the beginning of the big discovery.

Here is a little background on the past few months.

I’d been diagnosed with depression and anxiety (again) last March (2014). My former doctor prescribed Zoloft. It seemed to help, but not all the time. I felt like I was on a cycle. Sometimes good, other times not so good, a few times really really bad. I began to realize that my moods followed my cycle. I was very moody and irritable before my period and mid-cycle when I was ovulating. I always got pms, but never like this. I am 46, and had noticed perimenopause symptoms for the last couple of years. My former doctor completely ignored anything I said about perimenopause and chose to treat the symptoms instead. She took blood tests, and from the results she told me I wasn’t in menopause. To her, it was an either you are or you’re not thing. I have learned from my new gynecologist that the 5 years leading up to menopause we experience wild fluctuations in our hormone levels, which can have a huge effect on our moods. He prescribed the pill to regulate my hormone fluctuations, and under my gp’s guidance I weaned myself off the Zoloft, reducing my dose by 25mg per week. As of today, I have been off Zoloft for 50 days. I have been experiencing really bad withdrawal symptoms, but I have noticed that I am feeling better lately. It could have something to do with us being out of her house too though.

I was noticing, during those moody times, that I couldn’t stand my mother. In fact, I hated her. She made me irritable, so I avoided her, and I think she felt it. I was talking to my good friend about it, and she asked me if she was a nice mom while growing up. She said that it is possible that I suppressed memories, and they are just coming to the surface now. That really made me think. It was like red flags going off.

Without prompting, I remember my mom spanking me, using wooden spoons on my hands, washing my mouth out with soap, and yelling and screaming all of the time.

I think I googled “Why do I hate my mom”. Anyhow, soon enough I was reading all kinds of information on narcissistic moms, and I felt like I was reading about my family.

The following is what I wrote in my journal on Wednesday, June 17, 2015.

Ok, so this is big! It’s the biggest thing I’ve EVER realized about my childhood. I realized on Monday (could have been Sunday…it’s all been so emotional since the discovery) that my mother is a narcissist. I am the daughter of a Narcissistic Mother!

I’ve been reading about it on the internet and my family is a classic case to a T! My mom had her “golden children” (some more golden than others) and her “scapegoats”. The scapegoats were basically bullied all their lives by their own mother, and the golden children joined in, or did it for her. It’s painful to imagine what life must have been like for my other siblings, especially the scapegoats.

I’m remembering a lot of bad memories, even before the actual realization that my mom has a mental disorder. I’m going to need an outlet, somebody to talk to who understands the disorder. I’m really afraid of the memories that might come forth. I’m just hoping for a bit of good along with the bad. 

So, there you go. I made the big discovery that I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother about one month ago.

~ Poking Holes ~

The following video is me reading out some journal entries, including the one above.

Narcissism: I was once a golden child…

I’m not really sure where to start. I am at the mere beginning of this long journey of discovery.

I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother. From what I’ve read, my mother is a textbook case of narcissistic personality disorder.

I come from a family of 6 children. I am the youngest of 5 girls. We all have 1 baby brother. My mom made it seem like she gave my father the ultimate gift by having my brother for him, after all of us girls.

I was once a golden child, but have only recently discovered, at the age of 46, that I have been demoted to scape goat. I believe the demotion began, 5 years ago, shortly after my Father passed away. I was his baby girl. We were close. I noticed both my mother, and one of my sisters, the other golden child, pulling away from me.

It took moving back home, being under the same roof as my mother, to bring about this whole realization. I moved back into my mother’s home, on a temporary basis, with my husband and my young son. We moved back to my hometown, and she allowed us to stay with her until we were able to purchase a home of our own. We are now renting until we can purchase a home of our own. We had the down payment, we just needed to secure jobs in order to secure a mortgage.

I am using this blog to help me heal. I hope it will also help others heal.

~ Poking Holes ~