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Watch “Body Image & I Started the Keto Diet” on YouTube

In vlog #2 I talked about my body image issues, and that I started the ketogenic diet this past Monday. πŸ…πŸ₯‘πŸ₯©πŸ₯—πŸ₯“

You actually get to see some colour in this video. πŸ˜‰

Please don’t pay too much attention to my horrible cooking. Lol! My son had pizza and salad, so he didn’t have to eat that ovecooked meat I show you. It tasted alright at least. πŸ˜‚

I also show you a bit of my home office and the set up and equipment I use for filming videos at my desk.πŸŽ™πŸŽ₯πŸ–₯

Thank you for watching and if this interests you please subscribe to my youtube channel and hit the notification bell so you won’t miss when I upload. ✌❀

Watch “The Weird Thing I Use to Self Soothe and Calm Myself Down | CPTSD Warrior Vlog #1” on YouTube

I’ve started a daily vlog on my YouTube channel.

I’m committing to vlogging for 30 days.

My vlog is a day in the life of a person with cptsd. πŸ’š

I’m hoping it will help raise awareness about cptsd & narcissistic abuse, and help others out there with cptsd in some way. πŸ’š

This is vlog #1.

Can a Narcissist Do Better?

Trying to come to terms with this whole no contact thing.

Am I in this for life, or am I waiting until I feel stronger?

Was my mom doing the best that she could?

You know the whole “when you know better you do better”?

Was she doing the best she knew how? Was she repeating what was done to her?

When do you draw the line and reach a point of no return like I have?

All I knew at the time was that my mental health was already at a vulnerable state, and to be around them now that I knew and realized they were abusing me was too much for my broken heart to endure.

Another hoover attempt has brought the cognitive dissonance to the surface again.

More on this later.

That Gut Feeling

That Gut Feeling.

You know that gut feeling you get when you’re about to do something, or say something, and it feels like you should step back?

That gut feeling is meant to protect us, it’s our instinct trying to keep us safe.

Why do I sometimes still ignore it?

I mean, intellectually I get that my narcissistic mother gaslighted me so much that I learned to not trust my own instinct. I learned to question myself and not trust myself.

It still makes me mad at myself sometimes though.

I have to continually remind myself that I am unlearning everything my mother taught me about who I am.

I’m trying so hard to listen to my inner guidance, my gut instinct, that gut feeling I get that is my friend, but yet I still sometimes question it and do what that instinct is telling me not to do.

I’m still a work in progress.

I’m grateful for the times when I do listen and trust myself enough to listen to that gut feeling. Because usually when I don’t listen it causes problems.

My Inner Child Wants to Play

I’ve been creating again. I feel inspired and ready to play and make new things.

I became inspired to become creative after being away from my narcissistic family for a few years. When I lived here before I moved away I used to always say that I am not crafty at all, and that I didn’t have a crafty bone in my body. But, apparently I do.

I discovered my creative side after my youngest son was born and I found myself at home being a stay at home mom in my early 40’s. I explored and found a few different things I loved to do. I started out machine sewing, then hand sewing and embroidery, then needle felting, and finally my latest love came along, crochet.

I mostly prefer to work with natural fibers and make fiber art, but I also like to make useful accessories and put my artwork on the outside of the items as an embellishment.

My narcissistic mother did something to me when I was living in her home before the discard. I think she did this to show me how little she thought of me and to take any joy I had in something, away.Β I showed her something new that I had been working on. It was special to me and held cultural significance on my mother’s side of the family. I worked long and hard on it. First, I had to study a form of artwork, then I drew the design, then I transferred it to fabric, and cut it out. When I showed it to her it was the design cut out and laid over a piece of cloth that I would use to make the accessory I would later attach the artwork to.Β 

She actually almost sneered at it andΒ  then turned her nose up at it. She didn’t say anything. No compliments, like she had in the past with my creations. I know now that was because she wanted one of the items she was complimenting. It’s always about them.

I slowly stopped creating after I got here. Not completely, but the longer I was in that house, the more I just tried to escape into my phone playing angry birds. It was repetitive and it occupied my mind and keep me from feeling all the emotions that were coming up from living back in my childhood home.

I did some sewing in the beginning, a bit of needle felting at Christmas, but after I moved out of that house was when I learned how to crochet by watching youtube video tutorials. After my son went to school I would sit and crochet for hours, practicing over and over to make it look good.

Crochet became a form of meditation for me. It kept me present and out of my head, at times when I was so hypervigilant and anxious. It really was like medicine for me.

I still love to crochet. I just made a bunch of crochet items and I am currently working on embellishing them in many different ways. I am having so much fun and it feels good to have my inner child feeling safe enough to come out and play for a change.

What I’m doing is needle felting landscape pictures on crocheted items using wool roving. I’ve made a few items like this and I really enjoy it. I’ve never felt like I could draw or paint, but somehow I can poke these bits of wool into fabric and make a work of art.

I’m so glad my inner child is feeling safe to come out and play. I’m off to do just that.

Do you do any crafts? Is it new to you since you went no contact with your narcissistic family? I feel like my artistic abilities were silenced while I was in contact with them. I was not allowed to be special in any way. The only way I was allowed to be special is the label they gave me, and that was that I was the baby girl of the family. I’m not comfortable playing the helpless baby girl part any longer.

This empowered warrior queen is going to needle felt a badass landscape onto a wool pouch now.

Not only is it fun, it is also good for me and my self care.

Peace & Love to all. (I may update this with a picture of one of my creations)

PH

Something is Brewing/Neglecting My Blog

Hi all,

First of all, thank you for the follow. It is much appreciated. If you have followed me for a while, and if you haven’t already, please make sure you change your bookmark from pokingholesblog.com to cptsdwarrior.com.

I have said this before, but it seems when I write I am feeling especially distraught. Having said that, I’m not feeling that bad at present, but something is brewing. I can feel it.

I’m just going to say it. I am triggered into emotional flashbacks by my own body’s hormonal fluctuations. I don’t just get PMS. I feel like I’m on the brink of a meltdown and everything irritates me more than usual.

I feel cursed. I can’t just get a few cramps and slightly irritable or moody. No. I turn into a toddler. Wtf?

I have no idea how this turned into a blog about periods, but I’ll stop that right now. Hopefully, when I turn 50 this year, it will too.

Right. So where was I? Oh ya, I feel like and behave emotionally like a cranky child.

I can’t stand this much longer . Meditation is helping. I am seeing the benefits and realize that it is a journey I am on, so I’m not expecting perfection. I’m really pleased with the results so far, and am definitely going to continue.

I tried yoga on my wiifitplus. I really love it. I think I would do it more if I wasn’t always in my bed. Yes, that has been going on again. Its actually been going on for the longest streak I’ve observed. Since just before new year’s I’ve been spending a majority of my time in my bedroom sitting or sleeping in my bed. It’s a comfort and safety thing, I think.

I tend to be in my bed when I’m dissociative too, so that could be it.

I’m always busy though. That’s a cptsd thing. Trying to occupy my mind, distract myself from the “gnawing internal discomfort”in my guts.

I’m good though. This is my journey. Learning to love myself enough to take care of myself, when nobody taught me how.

I just don’t know why I have to be so debilitated though. Like, come on! I want to be able to work. I want to be able to concentrate. Instead, I feel like I’m just surviving sometimes.

I try to be kind to myself. I remind myself that my family turned on me and revealed their true selves to me, and I had no choice but to go no contact to protect my sanity. I still feel guilty though.

It’s been a long road. I have hope for a brighter future. I’m grateful for that.

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